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Av Fanny - Fredag 19 juli 00:09

Now is week 8, not so much to talk about. I feel the same since I wrote last time. I still feel nauseous and have zero appetite. Eating with force and sometimes I even want to cry about it. My last pregnancy was so easy so I started to believe all pregnancies were the same as the one I had with my son. I feel a little bit stupid to believed that. Today I book an appointment with a midwife at the antenal clinic. Just simple health checking. I got a few advises about my nausea, eat many smaller meals than 3 bigger meals. Eat little more less fat foods, things that take longer time to process.

I have a work interview on Monday which I'm excited about. Last night this thought came to me - "can I really handle a job right now?"  All I do is trying to survive this period and rest. If I get this job after the interview I'll still give it a shot to work. It can be good for me mentally. 

I think I got a fever too. I've been sick for a couple of days now. I'm really tired of my nose dripping all the time which makes it hard to breath. 

Av Fanny - Onsdag 10 juli 16:39

I have been really complaining about food lately. Me thinking about food - I just want throw up. Now I have realized some foods goes down easier than others so I made a list which was very fun to write. I dont know why I'm publishing it thou. 

Big no no foods:

  • Pasta, Cheese, Potatoes, Chicken, Ham, Sasuage, Blood pudding, chrips(snacks), some sweets, lemonade, pizza, standard chocolate, eggs, crackers, meatsause, onions, chocolate milk, everything fried, fish.

Anything with meat I have started to dislike. 

Ok Food: 

  • Vegeterian chicken, churry, rice, panncakes, ice cream, hamburger, meatballs, soups, milk, apple? banana? orange, chocolate pudding, yogurt, tea.

Right now I love easy foods that are easy on my stomach. 

I almost cries everytime when I'm hungry because everything taste shit and I dont want to eat.

Av Fanny - Söndag 7 juli 00:31

Today I have just been very scared.

My son is visiting me during this weekend. I couldn't show my feelings to my son of course but he have helped me occupy my mind through out today which I'm greatful for. He is truly a beautiful boy and I can't show enough appreciation for him. I'm truly grateful to be able to share him. Now when he is asleep my monster as thoughts has woken up again. I'm mostly scared of the unknown and my future. I'm also a little bit sad. 1 year ago I didn't have any plans or wishes to start dating someone who was living in the same country as I am. I was just so tired of living in this shitty place, I still am but everything is more okay now. I was going be a housewife and mother together with a conservative man who truly cared about me. Well those was my naive wishful wishes/plans but it seems like I'm not going to have any of it now. Even those dreams isnt realistic anymore so do I have other dreams now.

There is no way I'm going to have a peaceful time for future coming months. I need to find first of all an apartment and second of all a job. My economy is not so much of a stuggle but it would be easier to have some more money. Finding an apartment is worrying and stressing me out. Finding an okay apartment with ok rent is not going to be easy at all, not in this country. It is probably going to take months to find one. My mind have even gone desperate and mad, I have even google if Spain or Denmark is an easier option. Knowing that I'm probably going to be all alone isn't helping me either. I feel like I have lost trust and hope in men. I don't know who I can trust or who is the one, I'm confused. Men isn't something that should care about right now but I'm just sad that it has to be this way. Me and boyfriend is not going to last long if my gut tells me right BUT I wish this is going to work out somehow. I'm just not ready to take and work on all this by myself, I need someone.  

God I'm just really hopeless, stupid and stubborn and maybe a little bit brave too.  

Av Fanny - Fredag 5 juli 13:40

Yesterday I went to the hospital to take some tests and an ultrasound. My boyfriend joined, not on his own will but for my sake. Honestly I don't care if he's hanging around or not. I feel that I can't be myself and tell my true feelings about the pregnancy when he is around. I feel like I need to put on an act just to not be on bad terms with him. I think all the tests went well (waiting on results). They asked if I wanted to a an ultrasound and I said yes. I really want to see who is living off me and are inside. It was a relife to see there was only one little heart on the screen. He/she looked so adorable if though you can't see much. My mom and me joked around the she/he seems to have already relived what kind of personality he/she has. When my mom went on her first ultrasound she said that I was very lively and looked like a swimming fish. My little one though seems to be a very shy one or perhaps a "wants to be close to mom" type of person. We will see how she/he will evolves with time. What matters the most is still that he/she continues to grow and become stronger and healthy to be able to live outside my belly someday. 

I felt really stomach sick a couple of days now, probably because of the pregnancy. It feels like I'm starving all the time. If I don't eat when the signals of hunger appears I'll start to have stomach aches, nausea, become lightheaded. I kinda just want sit down and cry because the feeling is so intense. The only way to cure the feeling is to eat and after that I feel normal 1-2 hours then the feeling is back again.It makes me not very happy because If I eat more than what I usually do my weight will start to rise drastically. I don't know if now is the normal time to put on weight when you're pregnant, I'm just 6,3 weeks pregnant. I hope this feeling will become lighter on me within soon the later I go into the pregnancy. 

Yesterday after the hospital my boyfriend took the photo of the ultrasound. I thought first his attention was that he wanted to protect the photo and that he liked it. It made me hopefull and happy that maybe he had accepted the fact and maybe he's started to like the little thing. Oh boy I was very wrong. His attention was to throw away the photo to save me from developing more feelings towards the baby. Again I feel like I can't express my true feelings and thoughts with him. When we went down the street in the city I asked if I could have the ultrasound and he just replied that he had thrown it away. I got sooo angry at him and I hited him really hard on the arm. He didn't joke with me, he just didn't want me to have it. After he saw my reaction to it he pulled it out from his pocket. It was all wrinkled up and not so good-looking anymore. It made me honestly sad within, I valued that photo a lot. It was my first ultrasound with this baby and I wanted it look good so I could show it someday to future coming son or daughter. If this baby would die somehow I promise him that this will be the end of our relationship. He has shown his true colors and I don't like what I'm seeing. I love this man even though he's hurting me repeatedly. A death of baby will be enough for us to end, it will destroy me and his action hasn't helped our relationship. My parents separated when I was born and I don't want this baby to experience the same thing as I did. Being pushed back and forth between two parents isn't fun, it's rather selfish of the parents. 

After what had happened to the ultrasound me and boyfriend started to have a discussion. He said stuff like he want some time with the child after he/she's been born. He doesn't know what role he will be then. He said he wants to have the child minimum 20% and maximum 80% time with the child. What picture his painting up during the discussion is that he will search for other girl that is suiting his demands more than what I do and he will have better family her and still he wants to interrupt me and my childs life with no good endings. It gives me scenarios that I have to deal with a sad and confused child everytime his father is going back to his other family. I feel really pissed that I can't refuse the father to do this because we're livinging this unfair country. I just have to deal with this shit as a mother and try to stay strong and supportive for my child. My word to my boyfriend is you stay or you dont stay. If you don't stay dont ever f*cking distub our peace. This is my wish the same as his wish is to never put this child for adoption even I'm alone. 


Av Fanny - Måndag 1 juli 12:47

After the talk I had with boyfriend during Monday I called and asked a barnmorska (midwife?) for advice on my situation. She had a such lovely and understanding attitude towards me,I kinda almost wanted to cry of happiness. My experience with midwives is that they are always grumpy and not so professional. I went to the hospital together with my boyfriend to have a talk with a curator. We discussed our feelings and my and my boyfriend's different opinions on this baby. My boyfriend is not supportive at all, he just want me to remove it soon as possible. He doesn't understand me at all. All he says is that this baby is going to destroy our relationship and kinda tries to manipulate me to agree with him on everything he says. He's opinions isn't either bad or wrong, I accept them. What I need now is support not questioning on this decision. I just want support. My will and beliefs are strong, I going to fight for this baby and try to give it the best future he/she can get. I really want to try and fight, I can't be on the lazy side anymore. I need to work hard to get a good apartment and just deal and accpect my anxiety. If this man I call boyfriend can't stand up and take responsibility he isn't the one for me. He can do whatever he want, I don't care anymore. All he is doing right is hurting my feelings and putting me against him. 

Av Fanny - Onsdag 26 juni 22:46

A couple of weeks ago, something big happened without anybody knowing. Me and my boyfriend thought that were safe but we weren't. We try to always be safe because something like this to happen is not the perfect timing right now. This Monday I got the news that I was pregnant. I took one of those cheap pregnancy tests and it showed posetive. I was really shocked and emotional. I knew that something was wrong because I was missing out on my monthly period symptoms and my period was a little bit late too. I was shaking when I saw those two lines on the test. I tried to call my boyfriend but he didn't answer at first. I told him that we needed to meet up and talk because something had happened. We met up the same day and I told him. Of course was he also shooked by the news. Strangely enough had we talked about this a few months before if something like this would happen and what we should do. He said back then that I need to choose between the baby or him, it's sounds kinda childish to be honest. This Monday when he got the news he said something else. He didn't want me to keep the baby of course and if I choose abortion he would support me the whole way. If I choose to keep the baby he didn't know what he would do. He loves me and he don't want to leave me but at the same time he's not ready for a baby right now. He make it sound so easy to just go through an abortion. It's so difficult for me to agree with him. I don't know this baby but I still can I say I love this child. She/he is made by love and are a mix of both me and my boyfriend.

Av Fanny - Måndag 22 april 13:21

Yesterday was my son's birthday, I got a few hours to celebrate him which made me happy that I got to do that. We had a good time, ate some cake and opened some presents and played in the park. It's strange how fast children grow. 

Jag har nog nämnt någon gång en kille som jag hade något på G med innan jag träffa min nuvarande kille. Jag övertygad mig själv att denna kille var inte denna rätta för mig av olika anledningar. Han hade ett för "busy" liv för mig, hade inte den tiden jag krävde. Han var lätt att prata med och jag trivdes i hans sällskap. Vi prata väldigt mycket på Snap men vi sågs bara en gång sen "avbrytte" vi kontakten och sen träffa jag min kille. Sen i mars så hördes denna kille av sig igen eftersom jag hade delat något på min story på facebook. Sen dess så har vi väl pratat lite grann här och där. Så här om dagen så undra han om jag ville hänga med till någon udde och fika. Jag hade aldrig vart där konstigt nog för det är inte super långt från där jag bor. Jag tänkte varför inte, det kan va roligt. Framför allt veta hur denna kille tänker och få en klarare uppfattning hur han mår för så som jag har uppfattat så är han i mörkt ställe just nu. Han kanske behöver folk som kan stöta honom, folk som kan få honom på benen igen, jag finns men jag vet inte om jag är den rätta för detta. Jag bryr mig och jag vill vara där för honom, som en bra vän.

Han plocka upp mig vid där jag bor med sin vän som satte bredvid honom i bilen (jag visste han skulle hänga med). Jag fick en kick av det hela, det var exciting att åka i någon annans bil med bra hög musik. Udden var väldigt fin och mysig. Ärligt talat är det väldigt manligt och attraktivt med någon som kan köra. Vi grilla i alla fall lite, spela musik och umgicks. Sen kom det lite mer kompisar till killen och ville umgås. Kände mig lite utanför och stel ett tag men det var faktiskt kul att höra vad killar pratar om förutom sport och tjejer. Runt vid 21tiden körde han hem mig som var snällt gjort, bensin är liksom inte det billigaste. 

Jag berätta för min kille vad som hade hänt och att jag hade träffat denna kille. Han var såklart inte glad på mig men det var bra att jag berätta. Jag känner skam och det borde jag. Jag ångrar delvis att jag träffa honom, det förvirra mig själv emotionellt men jag hade kul. Jag vet att jag älskar min kille, allt känns så rätt och han rullar in mig på rätt spår i livet. Jag vill bara känna tillgivenhet nu. 

Av Fanny - Tisdag 16 april 23:05

Well now it will sound like I have the most troublesome relationship but the fact is I don't. I'm very happy with the guy I'm dating even thou he sometimes leaves me with question marks on my mind. I mostly come here to blog when I have something on my mind, it's a way for me to clean my head. I don't want this blog to be all about my relationship but there have been something on my mind today and I can't get it off. 

I had a dream about cheating, I was the one who was cheating. The characters In my dream felt so real and it was just strange waking up from that dream. The dream begins with I'm out on a date with a guy (unknown) and we're looking around in a store. I started to cry in my dream and hugging the guy I'm out on a date with. I said to him that I knew that this is just a dream and I don't want to wake up. He just hugged me back and tried to calm me down with some comforting words. Later on we were on our way to his home which he shared with his father and another 2 families. He carried me to his house and asked me if I was cold. I had a sense that this guy did really care about me and that is how you win my heart. 

I haven't felt any good today, fever and headache. I'm eating Setralin (antidepressants)which makes it hard for me to take any painkillers or other medications. The guy I use to talk to before I met my boyfriend messaged me today. He asked me how I was (nothing unusual) and I told him that I didn't feel well. Me and this guy are good friends and we message each here and there asking how we are (nothing complicated) and I feel that is okay. Anyways today he was really sweet and kind to me because he tried to help me solve the mystery if I could take an Ipren or Alvedon (painkillers) or not. He took the effort and time to contact some old colleagues which had more knowledge about this than he. I felt like this was deja vu (someone caring about me). Anyways I was advised to be careful with the painkillers when I'm on Setralin, it can affect the pills and my body. 

Later on I looked at his story on facebook and I looked at his jaw and I got sensation of I was craving something. I realized I was craving someone warmth and presence of someone who could make me feel safe and loved. My boyfriend tend to make me feel that way but we haven't seen each other in a while now or talked that much. I choose to date the guy I'm dating and I don't regret it. The guy before my boyfriend is super sweet caring nice guy, nothing wrong with him but he's not for me. I have special demands when I'm in a relationship and time is one of those things and this guy seem to not have it. I love my boyfriend now and this guy is a nice friend and I do really appreciate it that we can just remain friends like we are. 


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