Today I have just been very scared.

My son is visiting me during this weekend. I couldn't show my feelings to my son of course but he have helped me occupy my mind through out today which I'm greatful for. He is truly a beautiful boy and I can't show enough appreciation for him. I'm truly grateful to be able to share him. Now when he is asleep my monster as thoughts has woken up again. I'm mostly scared of the unknown and my future. I'm also a little bit sad. 1 year ago I didn't have any plans or wishes to start dating someone who was living in the same country as I am. I was just so tired of living in this shitty place, I still am but everything is more okay now. I was going be a housewife and mother together with a conservative man who truly cared about me. Well those was my naive wishful wishes/plans but it seems like I'm not going to have any of it now. Even those dreams isnt realistic anymore so do I have other dreams now.

There is no way I'm going to have a peaceful time for future coming months. I need to find first of all an apartment and second of all a job. My economy is not so much of a stuggle but it would be easier to have some more money. Finding an apartment is worrying and stressing me out. Finding an okay apartment with ok rent is not going to be easy at all, not in this country. It is probably going to take months to find one. My mind have even gone desperate and mad, I have even google if Spain or Denmark is an easier option. Knowing that I'm probably going to be all alone isn't helping me either. I feel like I have lost trust and hope in men. I don't know who I can trust or who is the one, I'm confused. Men isn't something that should care about right now but I'm just sad that it has to be this way. Me and boyfriend is not going to last long if my gut tells me right BUT I wish this is going to work out somehow. I'm just not ready to take and work on all this by myself, I need someone.  

God I'm just really hopeless, stupid and stubborn and maybe a little bit brave too.  

 

Kevin M.

21 juli 2019 00:10

For what it counts, I am certainly kind of proud of you.

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