This week is week 10. I have honestly tried to write this post 2 times now, it seems to be something wrong with the blog site. I'll try to keep everything short just in case. This week have visiting my family on my father's side. The visit was ok, it's good to get some fresh air and be out from the city. We went to Norway for a short trip and it made think of person that is working there now. I kinda miss him and our telephone calls because it was a while ago now since we talked. I must say kinda my angel and pandoras box at the same time. He's a good friend. 

Life feels generally good right now. I'm starting to work on Monday. Things have started to settle down for my boyfriend. I'm going to apply for driving license soon. I'm still on the hunt for an apartment. 

If were going to update on pregnancy I'm ok. Some days is better than others. Some days I'm hungry shark and some days I'm on a Ramadan diet. Recently I been up every single night because my bladder seems to have shrunk. I feel fat because every single skirt or pants feels tight and It gets me irritated. I know I'm not fat, I have lost weight not gained. 

Today is the last day of the Food market that has been in my town for a couple of days. They are serving different dishes from around the world (mostly Europe). I have been there for 2 days in row and it's crazy how many people there have been eating their food. The food wasn't bad but overpriced. I think have paid around subtotal 250kr on just food. The first day I tried a nutella crepe which was delicious and later on I bought Turkish delights as a present for my dad. The second day I bought polish perogi which very dry to eat no saus to it. Is has been very hot during this week, I took a strike from it. Me and my boyfriend took our food from the food market and ate it at the library because it was so hot outside. I lost my appetite completely and my boyfriend tried to bribed with Italian ice cream which worked a little. We went a small train ride around the city too, one of those tourist guided tours. Me and my boyfriend was the only ones on the train, it was a little bit awkward and fun at the same time. The train ride took around 35 minutes which was okay. After the train we visited the food market again and I brought British Fudge and my boyfriend brought Italian ice cream for us. When I was going to buy the fudge I had a little bit of trouble with the fudge lady. I was trying to pick up a fudge that hadn't been dried out or destroyed by the heat and they fudge lady just told me to not the mess up the fudges because they were made by hand by her. I got a little pissed because many was not perfect and I wanted a good fudge piece. I just wanted to tell the lady that I had found hair stuck to one of her fudges because I did. I bought four pieces of fudge anyways, Banana and Nutella, Pistage, Tiramisu and something more. I don't know if the fudges is real British fudges because the maker wasn't British.   

Now is week 8, not so much to talk about. I feel the same since I wrote last time. I still feel nauseous and have zero appetite. Eating with force and sometimes I even want to cry about it. My last pregnancy was so easy so I started to believe all pregnancies were the same as the one I had with my son. I feel a little bit stupid to believed that. Today I book an appointment with a midwife at the antenal clinic. Just simple health checking. I got a few advises about my nausea, eat many smaller meals than 3 bigger meals. Eat little more less fat foods, things that take longer time to process.

I have a work interview on Monday which I'm excited about. Last night this thought came to me - "can I really handle a job right now?"  All I do is trying to survive this period and rest. If I get this job after the interview I'll still give it a shot to work. It can be good for me mentally. 

I think I got a fever too. I've been sick for a couple of days now. I'm really tired of my nose dripping all the time which makes it hard to breath. 

I have been really complaining about food lately. Me thinking about food - I just want throw up. Now I have realized some foods goes down easier than others so I made a list which was very fun to write. I dont know why I'm publishing it thou. 

Big no no foods:

• Pasta, Cheese, Potatoes, Chicken, Ham, Sasuage, Blood pudding, chrips(snacks), some sweets, lemonade, pizza, standard chocolate, eggs, crackers, meatsause, onions, chocolate milk, everything fried, fish.

Anything with meat I have started to dislike. 

Ok Food: 

• Vegeterian chicken, churry, rice, panncakes, ice cream, hamburger, meatballs, soups, milk, apple? banana? orange, chocolate pudding, yogurt, tea.

Right now I love easy foods that are easy on my stomach. 

I almost cries everytime when I'm hungry because everything taste shit and I dont want to eat.

Today I have just been very scared.

My son is visiting me during this weekend. I couldn't show my feelings to my son of course but he have helped me occupy my mind through out today which I'm greatful for. He is truly a beautiful boy and I can't show enough appreciation for him. I'm truly grateful to be able to share him. Now when he is asleep my monster as thoughts has woken up again. I'm mostly scared of the unknown and my future. I'm also a little bit sad. 1 year ago I didn't have any plans or wishes to start dating someone who was living in the same country as I am. I was just so tired of living in this shitty place, I still am but everything is more okay now. I was going be a housewife and mother together with a conservative man who truly cared about me. Well those was my naive wishful wishes/plans but it seems like I'm not going to have any of it now. Even those dreams isnt realistic anymore so do I have other dreams now.

There is no way I'm going to have a peaceful time for future coming months. I need to find first of all an apartment and second of all a job. My economy is not so much of a stuggle but it would be easier to have some more money. Finding an apartment is worrying and stressing me out. Finding an okay apartment with ok rent is not going to be easy at all, not in this country. It is probably going to take months to find one. My mind have even gone desperate and mad, I have even google if Spain or Denmark is an easier option. Knowing that I'm probably going to be all alone isn't helping me either. I feel like I have lost trust and hope in men. I don't know who I can trust or who is the one, I'm confused. Men isn't something that should care about right now but I'm just sad that it has to be this way. Me and boyfriend is not going to last long if my gut tells me right BUT I wish this is going to work out somehow. I'm just not ready to take and work on all this by myself, I need someone.  

God I'm just really hopeless, stupid and stubborn and maybe a little bit brave too.  

After the talk I had with boyfriend during Monday I called and asked a barnmorska (midwife?) for advice on my situation. She had a such lovely and understanding attitude towards me,I kinda almost wanted to cry of happiness. My experience with midwives is that they are always grumpy and not so professional. I went to the hospital together with my boyfriend to have a talk with a curator. We discussed our feelings and my and my boyfriend's different opinions on this baby. My boyfriend is not supportive at all, he just want me to remove it soon as possible. He doesn't understand me at all. All he says is that this baby is going to destroy our relationship and kinda tries to manipulate me to agree with him on everything he says. He's opinions isn't either bad or wrong, I accept them. What I need now is support not questioning on this decision. I just want support. My will and beliefs are strong, I going to fight for this baby and try to give it the best future he/she can get. I really want to try and fight, I can't be on the lazy side anymore. I need to work hard to get a good apartment and just deal and accpect my anxiety. If this man I call boyfriend can't stand up and take responsibility he isn't the one for me. He can do whatever he want, I don't care anymore. All he is doing right is hurting my feelings and putting me against him. 

A couple of weeks ago, something big happened without anybody knowing. Me and my boyfriend thought that were safe but we weren't. We try to always be safe because something like this to happen is not the perfect timing right now. This Monday I got the news that I was pregnant. I took one of those cheap pregnancy tests and it showed posetive. I was really shocked and emotional. I knew that something was wrong because I was missing out on my monthly period symptoms and my period was a little bit late too. I was shaking when I saw those two lines on the test. I tried to call my boyfriend but he didn't answer at first. I told him that we needed to meet up and talk because something had happened. We met up the same day and I told him. Of course was he also shooked by the news. Strangely enough had we talked about this a few months before if something like this would happen and what we should do. He said back then that I need to choose between the baby or him, it's sounds kinda childish to be honest. This Monday when he got the news he said something else. He didn't want me to keep the baby of course and if I choose abortion he would support me the whole way. If I choose to keep the baby he didn't know what he would do. He loves me and he don't want to leave me but at the same time he's not ready for a baby right now. He make it sound so easy to just go through an abortion. It's so difficult for me to agree with him. I don't know this baby but I still can I say I love this child. She/he is made by love and are a mix of both me and my boyfriend.