Yesterday was my son's birthday, I got a few hours to celebrate him which made me happy that I got to do that. We had a good time, ate some cake and opened some presents and played in the park. It's strange how fast children grow. 

Jag har nog nämnt någon gång en kille som jag hade något på G med innan jag träffa min nuvarande kille. Jag övertygad mig själv att denna kille var inte denna rätta för mig av olika anledningar. Han hade ett för "busy" liv för mig, hade inte den tiden jag krävde. Han var lätt att prata med och jag trivdes i hans sällskap. Vi prata väldigt mycket på Snap men vi sågs bara en gång sen "avbrytte" vi kontakten och sen träffa jag min kille. Sen i mars så hördes denna kille av sig igen eftersom jag hade delat något på min story på facebook. Sen dess så har vi väl pratat lite grann här och där. Så här om dagen så undra han om jag ville hänga med till någon udde och fika. Jag hade aldrig vart där konstigt nog för det är inte super långt från där jag bor. Jag tänkte varför inte, det kan va roligt. Framför allt veta hur denna kille tänker och få en klarare uppfattning hur han mår för så som jag har uppfattat så är han i mörkt ställe just nu. Han kanske behöver folk som kan stöta honom, folk som kan få honom på benen igen, jag finns men jag vet inte om jag är den rätta för detta. Jag bryr mig och jag vill vara där för honom, som en bra vän.

Han plocka upp mig vid där jag bor med sin vän som satte bredvid honom i bilen (jag visste han skulle hänga med). Jag fick en kick av det hela, det var exciting att åka i någon annans bil med bra hög musik. Udden var väldigt fin och mysig. Ärligt talat är det väldigt manligt och attraktivt med någon som kan köra. Vi grilla i alla fall lite, spela musik och umgicks. Sen kom det lite mer kompisar till killen och ville umgås. Kände mig lite utanför och stel ett tag men det var faktiskt kul att höra vad killar pratar om förutom sport och tjejer. Runt vid 21tiden körde han hem mig som var snällt gjort, bensin är liksom inte det billigaste. 

Jag berätta för min kille vad som hade hänt och att jag hade träffat denna kille. Han var såklart inte glad på mig men det var bra att jag berätta. Jag känner skam och det borde jag. Jag ångrar delvis att jag träffa honom, det förvirra mig själv emotionellt men jag hade kul. Jag vet att jag älskar min kille, allt känns så rätt och han rullar in mig på rätt spår i livet. Jag vill bara känna tillgivenhet nu. 

Well now it will sound like I have the most troublesome relationship but the fact is I don't. I'm very happy with the guy I'm dating even thou he sometimes leaves me with question marks on my mind. I mostly come here to blog when I have something on my mind, it's a way for me to clean my head. I don't want this blog to be all about my relationship but there have been something on my mind today and I can't get it off. 

I had a dream about cheating, I was the one who was cheating. The characters In my dream felt so real and it was just strange waking up from that dream. The dream begins with I'm out on a date with a guy (unknown) and we're looking around in a store. I started to cry in my dream and hugging the guy I'm out on a date with. I said to him that I knew that this is just a dream and I don't want to wake up. He just hugged me back and tried to calm me down with some comforting words. Later on we were on our way to his home which he shared with his father and another 2 families. He carried me to his house and asked me if I was cold. I had a sense that this guy did really care about me and that is how you win my heart. 

I haven't felt any good today, fever and headache. I'm eating Setralin (antidepressants)which makes it hard for me to take any painkillers or other medications. The guy I use to talk to before I met my boyfriend messaged me today. He asked me how I was (nothing unusual) and I told him that I didn't feel well. Me and this guy are good friends and we message each here and there asking how we are (nothing complicated) and I feel that is okay. Anyways today he was really sweet and kind to me because he tried to help me solve the mystery if I could take an Ipren or Alvedon (painkillers) or not. He took the effort and time to contact some old colleagues which had more knowledge about this than he. I felt like this was deja vu (someone caring about me). Anyways I was advised to be careful with the painkillers when I'm on Setralin, it can affect the pills and my body. 

Later on I looked at his story on facebook and I looked at his jaw and I got sensation of I was craving something. I realized I was craving someone warmth and presence of someone who could make me feel safe and loved. My boyfriend tend to make me feel that way but we haven't seen each other in a while now or talked that much. I choose to date the guy I'm dating and I don't regret it. The guy before my boyfriend is super sweet caring nice guy, nothing wrong with him but he's not for me. I have special demands when I'm in a relationship and time is one of those things and this guy seem to not have it. I love my boyfriend now and this guy is a nice friend and I do really appreciate it that we can just remain friends like we are. 

A little update. I have started to take medication for my panic attacks and panic syndrome. I am really scared of getting a panic attack because I know how bad it can get. I had anxiety that hasn't gone away. The medication is supposed to make my life a little bit easier so I can be brave enough to face my fear. I don't want to run away from my anxiety anymore, I want to prove myself that I can live a more peaceful and a more free life without being scared all the time. I want to focus more on the future now and dealing with my anxiety is something I need to do. 

Anyways I started to take medication last friday and my anxiety has grown to the worst. I cry because I can't deal with my feelings and the anxiety, I don't know what to do. My boyfriend have stayed over a lot just to help me deal with it. He's not very educated in psychology and anxiety things and well that is a - but I can't except too much of him. He ease the anxiety and he's doing great, thanks for being so patient with me and stands up for me.

I hope to get better soon. 

Det är en sak jag vill prata om. Det är ganska privat men jag känner att jag måste prata om det. Saken handlar om relationer och kärlek, det är en sak jag grubblar på. Jag och killen var inte oenade idag, det var en bagatell grej som blev en stor grej. Jag tycker ärligt talat att min kille fjantar sig över bagateller. Jag tycker att han kan offra sig lite grann ELLER ge mig en bättre förklaring varför en sån liten sak är så stort för honom. Jag fattar honom inte alltid. Han fattar nog mig inte alltid heller. När min kille är sån (alltså fjantig) så sårar det mig, det får mig bara vilja knuffa bort honom ifrån mig för det gör ont. Jag kramar inte någon som gör mig illa. Han kan inte hjärpart att han är sån heller. Frågan är mer om man kan acceptera den sidan av honom även det sårar en eller inte. Hur stort ser du på "problemet"? I generellt sett så älskar jag honom så j*vla otroligt mycket, jag hittar aldrig orden så jag kan berätta det. Jag kan tänka mig göra allt med honom. Han får mig att vilja våga leva lite mer och satsa på dom saker jag vill uppfylla. Får mig att känna mig älskad för den jag är och hans närhet får mig känna mig trygg och det dämpar min ångest. Han är rare och kanske för bra att kasta bort. Dom saker som har blivit sagda är nu sagda och det ändrar ju inte saken över att saker är nu över. Jag står mitt kasta även om dom sakerna jag sa var sagda av stundens känslor, det kanske bara bevisar att jag är inte heller perfekt och har saker ännu att lära. Lära mig att bromsa känslostormarna och bara gå därifrån än göra och säga saker som bara leder till ånger, ledsamheter, desperationen och saker som är inte värt det. 

It was a long time ago now since I wrote the last time. March have been a quiet busy month for me. Ärligt talat så kommer jag inte ihåg allt som jag har gjort denna månad. I had my birthday the 6th of march so ofc I had a small party, nothing special thou. I will insert some photos of that day. 

I ate some really good Chinese food that day. I got reallly surprised because I received a card from my boyfriend with some happy birthday wishes on it and a giftcard for massage. Jag har aldrig fått massage förut så det lär bli spännande. Nu när jag tänker på det så har vi inte pratat sen vi sågs sist, det är lite märkligt. Han brukar alltid höra av sig om inte jag hör av mig. Jag har tänkt på att höra av mig men det känns som nånting stoppar mig. Eftersom det är märkligt att han är tyst så kanske han vill ha space eller är han för upptagen, man vill va så förstående partner som möjligt även om man känner kanske sig lite ledsen över det. En annan grej som jag tänker över är att jag sa rätt olämpliga grejer sist om mitt förflutna som han kanske inte kunde svälja riktigt men jag hoppas att han ser mig som är idag och inte for den jag var då. This Wednesday I got myself a birthday tattoo. I'm really happy about it, I feel really myself in the tattoo.   

The tattoo look really sore on the picture but it's much better now. For those who can read Japanese will know it says Waifu which means wife. The term waifu is really popular along those people who watch anime/ read manga. I would call myself for wife material and I guess that is one of my bigger dreams is to find love and get married some day. 

I always have strange dreams but this one oboy. I felt really emotional waking up to this one, it just felt so real. It wasn't a bad dream but not either a good dream. I have 2 main things I dream the most about and that is having sex with strangers or building a family with strangers, It's weird. 

Today I dreamt that I was pregnant with a famous person. He had a career within the skiing community. I was on my way to his apartment in the central city (my city I live in now). Paparazzi was waiting outside his apartment trying to get interviews and shots of him. He let me in to his apartment and surprisingly the Paparazzi didn't suspect anything. His apartment was kinda chill and airy, he had 2 bulldogs. I just remember something like I asked what we're going to do about the pregnancy and he was like we need to think it. I know from experience from my last pregnancy that I get super clingy and attached when I'm pregnant, I'm living of my partner. The same thing happened in the dream. My boyfriend (the famous guy) was going to go out for skiing and I followed him begging him to take me with him. After that my dream ended.. Anyways that was a weird and funny dream.     

I'm not very good at updating this blog anymore but hey I have busy life. I have a lot on my mind and I feel really emotional and unsure with my life right now. I know what my main goal is in life is but yet I'm just too unsure to do anything in life. I kinda want to move somewhere else in the world and try to make my goal-dream come true and another voice is just saying fuck that, I want to stay here because I have my boyfriend here. I probably just need a moment to think and be alone for a bit.  

This past 2 weeks have been sort of odd, a lot of things have happened, good and bad. I have spended some days with the guy I'm "dating" last week, mostly at my place. It was fun and crazy, I had anyways a good time. He remind me of the song "Not in love" with crystal castles. I'm happy that I'm alive and be able to meet a such fascinating person, giving me new memories and impressions, maybe changing me even or at least the way I see. He kinda makes me want to "ta tag i" or improve my life, not just for him but for myself. I'm going to search for that apartment I searching for a couple years back before I cancelled that dream. Get that psychiatric help that for those things that are suffering my life making me want to die. That thing that kills me within, leaving me frustrated and restless and hopeless. I rarely talk openly about my mind ghosts and my mind's health, I feel really ashamed and lost hope even though I shouldn't. My anxiety is now 10 years old, it has just been worse with the years. When you think that it cannot get any worse..life hits you with a big surprise and a sadistic smile. I think I have talked the guy about my problems but we have just talked very easy and not so complicated about it. It's the only thing left that I have hidden from him or not told the whole truth about. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet, it's a tough subject. One thing that is good is that I don't feel my anxiety when I'm around him, I can feel a little bit anxious or nervous but his touch and calm speaking makes it disappear pretty quick. Maybe it's because I feel safe around him and I trust him. I'm probably a little bit of burden being in his face maybe a little bit too much sometimes and pushing my moods on him. I have gotten mad a few times at him, maybe leaving him hurted. I hope some things can be accepted and some other smaller things forgiven and forgotten. I'm mostly a soft and patient person but sometimes I wear my spikes on.

When I think about us I think him as cat/dog and me as rabbit.